I’m sick of people moaning and debating things they don’t understand. In any other country other than England I could hack it—aided by the fact that I can’t understand the foreign tongue of most, of course—but we English are experts in this most frustrating past-time. Yes, we love nothing more than to pick a topic at random and discuss it in depth; the most important thing to remember? Well, it must be a topic that we don’t have a clear idea of. Those are the best subjects, simply because if we don’t understand, we can say whatever we like.

The bus is the place where most debating about things we don’t really understand happens. The other week I was on one and the two people in front of me starting moaning about how migrant workers were taking ‘British’ jobs. I listened to the man and woman for fifteen minutes—both suited, apparently educated individuals, who I am quite sure were both living at least in part off of the baby boomers equity release schemes—and then decided to intervene.

“Excuse me,” I said, and I could almost feel the shiver down both their backs, the shiver of an uninvited stranger’s voice. “But I happen to disagree.”

The man shrugged as if I was a comical apparition, and went back to talking. I then looked in the window to my left and saw the huge beard that had been growing on my face over the previous weeks. Then it hit me! The man thought I was Muslim! He probably thought I might quite like his job.

Without actually saying “I am not Muslim and I have no intention of stealing either of your jobs and that’s a load of cobblers anyway so leave it,” I rubbed my beard, cunningly, and spoke again. “Why are you both concerned?” I asked. They shivered again, but this time the lady spoke to me.

“Because this has been going on too long and it simply has to stop!”

“Why?” I said. “If it stopped who would be available for slave labour and all matter of jobs that make our country go round? Your children might have to do it. Perish the thought…”

A grim atmosphere came over the three of us. I realized that she was actually considering this and hadn’t got the joke. So there you go, the immigrant debate goes on and on. But before you start moaning, just remember which country invaded every other and really didn’t care at all.